I’m not really sure how so much light can come from someone so dark.
I was always a little afraid of the “dark and twisties” I think. The space inside of me that feels so deep, shadowy, and boundless… Always certain that if I folded myself down into it and turned inside out, everything would fall away and I would be lost amongst the cosmos. I would just disappear from this world.
While it may sound like it, “dark” doesn’t equate to “depressed.” There’s a sense of intense heaviness I can’t put words to, but it’s not a glum or despondent space.
It’s not a thing I really know how to put into words.
I’m realizing that I’ve spent years trying to outrun the darkness inside of me, seeing it as a thing to be avoided.
Only, I could never outrun it.
And the more I tried, the harder it flattened me when it finally caught up. Usually in moments where I was surrounded by people, having lively conversation about things that don’t really matter. Suddenly, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t exist in a space of light and fluffy and meaningless meandering. Without warning, the darkness would all but consume me.
And for about three long days, it would take everything I had inside of me to stay upright in this life and world. To not tear down the parts of my business that didn’t feel aligned. To not walk right out of relationships and conversations that weren’t right and true. To not up and leave the life I had built and the obligations I’d found myself in so that I could do that which really spoke to my soul.
While those were some of the hardest sets of days I’ve experienced in my life, if you asked me how I really felt about them, I would tell you that they felt like beautiful points of forced recalibration. In those days, it wasn’t possible for me to care about things that didn’t feel meaningful and important. I simply didn’t have the capacity… and bless those poor souls that tried to have conversations with me about anything surface level.
Those days forced me to see and feel what really mattered to me. To see and feel the true purpose of my life and work. To see and feel where things weren’t in alignment anymore. Recalibration on a deep level.
But what I’ve learned over the years is that the only reason I can be such a light, happy, positive, loving person is because of the darkness. It’s one and the same.
These days the dark and twisties are more integrated into my day to day life. I feel that heaviness and intensity all the time. When I stopped trying to outrun them, it became this constant flow of energy just below the surface. Intermingling with the joy, light, and positivity in a beautiful way.
Most people only see the obnoxiously happy and positive person on the surface. But if you got to know me and took a closer look, you’d see that the source of the positive, happy, “I freaking love this life” attitude is the deep, shadowy, boundless darkness inside of me.
We all have a deep, dark, shadow side to us. We’re usually just too scared or unsure of how to acknowledge and integrate it.
The part of you that’s angry or jealous. The part that is frustrated or annoyed. The part that is sad and heavy and unsettled. And for some, it’s even the joy and the positivity. Our shadow sides are as unique as we are, and manifest in totally different ways.
Carl Jung describes the shadow side as, “a denied part of the self, a part we repress because we have been given a message that it is ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ or that we need to feel shame and guilt if we have it.”
I believed that my shadow side, the “dark and twisties”, were wrong because there was no space in my life where they seemed to fit. When I’d try to share, I got the sense that I was “too much” and “too intense” and that those were bad things. But these days? I embrace that. I am a bit much and I am a bit intense.
That’s just part of who I am… and that “too muchness” and “intensity” is what makes me so obnoxiously positive and happy. It’s what makes me so bright and so utterly in love with this life.
We have to stop denying our shadow sides.
I’m still learning how to define my shadow side, and how it wants to show up in my life and work and relationships. I’m grateful for the beautiful friends that have sat in it with me and created the space for me to explore it without feeling like I was too much, too anything. And as I’ve allowed myself to dive deeper into this space, so many amazing things have happened for me.
I’ve been told this side of me is incredibly attractive.
I’ve started writing in a new way, one that connects more deeply.
I’ve honored myself and my needs in ways I never could.
I’ve attracted more amazing souls into my life.
I’ve finally figured out how to better integrate my work.
I’ve started feeling whole and complete in a powerful new way.
And that’s key.
Embracing and integrating our shadow side allows us to show up fully and truthfully.
I started speaking my truth with terrifying intention and vulnerability last year, and it was beyond life altering… but it wasn’t enough. Awesome things were happening, but I was still feeling out of sorts and out of place. I still couldn’t seem to create alignment in my work, and I still wasn’t able to show up truthfully in many situations, because I didn’t really know what that looked or felt like.
If you’re not feeling like you can show up fully, or like you’ve found your place in life, you’re likely denying an important part of who you are. You’re trying to hard to fit in and not stir the pot… worried that some aspect of your personality is “wrong” or “bad”, when really, it’s just who you are.
And the truth is, our shadow sides are our most powerful sides. Because they’re real and raw and honest. And when we integrate them, we become whole and complete, a force to be reckoned with. Things can’t help but align, or to fall away if they’re wrong. People can’t help but to connect with us more fully and deeply, because we’re all there.
What does your shadow side look and feel like, and where have you been denying it?
If you’re not sure, ask yourself what parts have been labeled “bad” or “wrong” by yourself or others. What side have you tucked away or suppressed? What piece feels unsafe to bring to the surface?
There’s always a healthy and powerful way to integrate your shadow side so you can show up more fully. If you’re not sure about how to do this, consider booking a VIP “Lite” Day with me today. I’m offering a very special rate to the next
five few people to sign up. :)