I haven’t been able to write since late December.
At least not in the way I wrote before. While some things have flowed through, many things have not. I’ve been blocked and stuck and stagnant, and it’s been beyond frustrating. Mostly because I feel like I have so much to say.
At one point I started to wonder if maybe I’d finally run out of things to say. After all, I’ve been a content creation machine for the past few years… creating programs and blog posts and hundreds upon hundreds of Awesome Life Tips™.
The truth is, I just don’t have the words right now.
I don’t have the words to tell you how intense this last week was, as I dove deep into relationship issues that have plagued me for years. Uncovering beliefs and blocks and stories I didn’t even realize I had. I don’t have the words to tell you how truly life changing some of my conversations were… and how I’ve completely unraveled everything I thought I knew about myself and love and the people I’ve chosen. I don’t have the words to tell you how whole and healed I’ve become in a matter of days. What it’s like to suddenly start operating without the “stuff” that’s weighed me down for years.
I don’t have the words to tell you how hard it was to let go of someone who I cared a great deal for, but who no longer fit into my life in a healthy way. How hard it was to honor myself in that moment, and not take on responsibility for their feelings and experience. To trust in my intuitive no. More importantly, to honor my intuitive no in a way I haven’t been able to in the past.
I don’t have the words to tell you exactly how challenging life has been with grief. How the subtle ways it has infused into my life and work has caused stress and overwhelm and struggle. I don’t have the words to tell you how incredibly challenging it has been for me to do the day to day. To remember anything that’s not written down. To have a clear sense of time. To be in my life.
I don’t have the words to tell you how incredibly amazing my life has become in the last several months. How truly phenomenal the people in my life are, and how deeply I love them all. I don’t have the words to tell you how hard it’s been at times to love my life so much, and to know that someone I cared for deeply no longer has that ability. How crazy it feels to want to laugh and cry at the same time, because you’re just that in love with life.
I don’t have the words to tell you how much I’ve grown this year, and in such a short amount of time. I don’t have the words to tell you how choosing expansion as my guiding word has changed everything. Or how it feels to be expanding and growing and shifting at such a rapid rate. How beautiful and heart breaking and trying it feels.
I don’t have the words to tell you what it’s like to go from highly introverted and spending tons of time alone, to being the kind of person with a plethora of friends and play dates and interactions every single day. To love every moment of it, and not get exhausted. I don’t have the words to tell you what it’s like to be surrounded by so many people that just get you. I don’t have the words to tell you what it’s like to learn how easy it is to be open and vulnerable, and how deeply it’s possible to connect and love other human beings when we just get out of our own way.
I don’t have the words to tell you all this in a way that captures the intensity and beauty and rawness that is everything in my life right now.
There are no words for where I stand right now, because I’ve never been here… and rather than having it all unfold slowly and piece by piece like things have in the past, it’s all happening at once. Most of it in the span of just four to six months.
My life and loss and love and work… it’s left me speechless.
And while there have been certain catalysts for this, such as the loss of someone very dear to me, it’s also a culmination point at the end of a decade long struggle. A decade where I stumbled around aimlessly trying to “find myself” and my passion. Trying to figure out what the point was to this life, and how I could make the difference I so deeply desired to make.
At 20 years old I started tearing my life apart, taking a sledgehammer to everything I’d built for myself. I tore it all down. I remember those days like they were yesterday, because they were equally as intense, messy, beautiful, and raw. Though I couldn’t see the beauty in it at the time… but it was.
It was a beautiful awakening.
I stand here ten years later in total awe of my life. In love with the depth, connection, openness, passion, and flow of it all. Equally in love with the struggle. Because the struggle? Well, that means things are shifting in a new and beautiful way, and I’ve learned to love and embrace the shifts.
The shifts let you release the stories and beliefs that have held you back, and the people that no longer fit. The shifts show you how amazing life can be if you’re willing to leave behind everything you thought you knew and believed to be true. The shifts teach you how to open up vulnerably, and allow people to see you for who you are, because you’ve learned to love yourself to your core. You’ve learned to show up fully.
The shifts are where the magic happens.
And so I stand here in the middle of a massive shift, speechless, in tears, and absolutely in love with every moment of it.
And trusting, the words will come again. Because they always do.
Are you ready and willing to embrace the shifts in your life?
If so, I would be so honored to support you. I’m opening up two new Amp Your Awesome coaching spots today. I know how scary and challenging it can feel to create changes in your life, to start a business that you love, and to move in a new direction. But I also (as you can see) know how amazing and worth it it is to start the journey. And I know how to accelerate the process so you don’t have to fumble around for years like I did. :) Click here to learn more and schedule a free consultation!