It Shouldn’t Be As Painful As It Is

No matter what it is that you’re battling on an emotional level right now, it shouldn’t be as painful as it is. This is not meant to invalidate your feelings, because you are absolutely right and valid in feeling what it is that you feel, but you’re also the one making it far worse than it needs to be.

The cause of our suffering is most often our resistance to what is.

When someone we love leaves us (a broken friendship, breakup or a family member who’s passed), we don’t want it to be true. We want to fight to keep it, we want to replay our time together over and over in our heads… we want to do absolutely anything but accept that it is what it is.

Or when we’re working at a miserable job, we resist it. We fight each day with every cell in our body, effectively stressing ourselves out, upping the pain level and damaging our own spirits. We don’t want to be there, so we resist it as hard as we can.

If you want to be happy, experience passion and fulfillment in your life and move through whatever it is that pains you right now, you have to stop resisting it.

It is what it is. Painful, yes. But like all things, that pain WILL PASS. The longer that you resist feeling and experiencing it, or more importantly, accepting it, the longer it will linger. The more pain you’ll feel, the more damage you’ll do to your own body and the longer it will take to feel joyful again.

Three Simple Steps to Stop Resisting What Is

1) Face It.

When painful things are occurring, we like to avoid dealing with them. We distract ourselves through solving other problems, watching TV or just physically being elsewhere.

You HAVE to face what’s causing you pain head on.

Your relationship ended. Your job is horrible. Your friend said something terrible behind your back. Someone close to you has a terrible illness. There was an accident. This has happened. The first thing that you need to do is FACE IT. See it for what it is, experience what YOU need to experience.

Cry, write, throw things. Talk to someone you love. Take some time away from work. You can’t hide from these emotions because there’s nowhere for them to go. If you don’t face them now, they will literally eat you alive, causing you more suffering that is completely unnecessary.

2) Accept It.

Accepting it doesn’t mean that you’re condoning someone’s bad behavior, forgetting a person you love or that you’re going to put up with a terrible boss. It simply means that you’re accepting the situation at face value. It is what it is.

Look at the situation as if you are an outside reporter documenting the story. See the facts, not the drama in your head. Observe what is happening and don’t resist it. Don’t analyze it, don’t over think it and don’t FIGHT IT. Just accept it. No judgments.

3) Release it.

Releasing isn’t necessarily about forgetting or putting something behind you. It’s about releasing your grip and need to control the situation. You’ve faced it and you’ve accepted it… now it’s time to release all resistance, all desire for any particular outcome and begin to trust in the universe, God or whatever higher power that suits you.

Everything DOES happen for a reason. We can’t always see it in the moment, but you know that this is true and that one day you will understand the value in what’s happening to you now. There’s a reason that people say this so often, because they too have experienced a pain like yours and they have made it through to see the value or gift in the situation, just as you will.

Bad jobs help us find amazing jobs. Old relationships allow us to grow into the person we need to be and prepare us for the right relationships. Illness or death can bring clarity, deeper connection and gratitude.

It doesn’t make it any less painful to experience it, but you have to trust that it is for a reason and that you WILL be okay. You will grow, you will recover, you will find peace.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

Take Action Now

If you’re experiencing pain on any level, I want you to take a good look at the level of resistance that you may be creating. Where do you need to face your problems head on? Where do you need to accept them? And where do you need to release?

Psssst! I’m getting ready to launch my program Foundations for Unshakable Joy, on February 7th, 2012. This is the EXACT foundational process that took me from a stressed and depressed mess, to happy, fulfilled and living a life built around my passions and purpose! It will help you not only determine what it is you really want out of life, but what steps you need to take to get there, FAST.

This entry was posted in Stress Management

13 Responses to It Shouldn’t Be As Painful As It Is

  1. Apple Arcallana says:

    thanks Ms. Stephenie! .. this will help me a lot :)

  2. Liz says:

    You are a wise woman! This is all SO true. Reminds me of the saying “you can’t truly be found until you’ve been lost”. When I was in a job I hated I complained and pouted to no end, but now it’s because of that job that I have such clarity on what I want. If I hadn’t hated it as much as I did, I’d likely still be lost today. Everything does happen for a reason and now I try to always look for that reason instead of immediately resorting to resisting what’s happening. What you resists persists! Great post!!

    • Thanks Liz! And I love your example… it’s so true. I’ve had the same experience with jobs and have been in relationships that have taught me more about who I am and what I need/want out of life than if I’d spent those years alone, soul searching. I’m glad to hear you always look for the reason behind everything. I love you! xo

  3. marie kolota says:

    Love becoming aware of resistance! Such a simple concept, but extremely powerful.

  4. jared says:

    Great article.

    I’ve used a practice of setting a time limit on my sadness. Say 5 days, whatever, depends on how difficult it is. Like when my father passed away suddenly, I didn’t really put a time limit, but sort of had 2 months in mind.

    Meaning, at some point, I move past sadness and move into and “choose” misery. I become a victim and a spectator in my own life.

    I’ve learned that things happen around me, not to me. And that I need to let things in life (regardless of how bad or tragic they seem) take me to where I’m supposed to be and not just where I’ve ended up.

    Thanks for reminding me about this. Nice article, keep it up!

    j

    • I love this Jared!

      “I’ve learned that things happen around me, not to me. And that I need to let things in life (regardless of how bad or tragic they seem) take me to where I’m supposed to be and not just where I’ve ended up.”

      So much truth to that statement. I’m glad to hear about your practice of limiting your sadness. It’s important to process and grieve, but not dwell in those dark places.

      Thanks for the comment and sharing your insights! xo

  5. Yet again another post so well put. Sharing!! xox

  6. This is SO TRUE, at the moment it feel like it’s the worst thing ever. I PROMISE PROMISE it will pass!!! Take my word I am a old broad. 8-)

  7. Jason says:

    This was real timely for me. I hope I can make it work.
    Thanks

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Not only did Stephenie help pinpoint my passions, but she also helped me get started on creating my business. I now know what my passions and purpose are in life and am excited to continue on this path. I have the clarity I so desired before I started this journey. I feel free because I have a deeper sense of self and purpose. — Adlin Cedeno